The true meaning and origins of "St." Valentine's Day

 Valentines Day? Schmalentines Day!

The true meaning, symbology and origins of "St." Valentine's Day

by Skip Pulley 

It's a little bit complex, but let's start from the beginning.

The Romans had a 3-day festival called Lupercalia, which consisted of drunken fist-fights, under-cooked meat, and lots of sexual debauchery, mostly in public. 

This festival was seen as necessary for two main reasons;
1 – Because the roman soldiers (most of whom were unmarried) in their winter isolation before the spring military campaigns, would constantly bugger each other in the hiney or hang out in brothels all day to the point of not getting any real work done. (many of the prostitutes in brothels didn't like humping rank-and-file troops; my guess would be because they had lots of venereal critters from being out on the road pillaging and whatnot all the time)
2 – It was an opportunity to blow off steam and celebrate because many soldiers would not be coming back from war alive and in one piece, In addition to having been pent-up and broke all winter long. So basically, the festival began with all the single men stripping naked, then murdering dogs and goats in order to make whips out of their hides and flesh. Then, they would goat-whip all the single women who were also stripped naked and had gathered in the town square. The men literally whipped them until their “arms were tired”. If the bloody, whipped women were still conscious or alive after the whipping, they would write their name on a CARD and put it in a lottery box. When a man drew a woman's card, he then had access to her sexually for the whole 3-day festival. 

If somehow the two of them fell in love during this debacle, they were allowed to get married. 

If not, they they would do it all over again next year. 

Fast forward a couple of centuries. Several priests, all named Valentine (which I can only assume was a common name for a priest) had been martyred in mid-February, mostly for performing unsanctioned marriages (instead of just allowing sexual congress outside of marriage). One of these priests, before his execution, wrote a beautiful love note to his girlfriend, whom he had just met, whom up to that point in time had also been blind (but apparently he hit her up with high powered Jesus lightning and her sight was restored). Are priests even supposed to have girlfriends? Maybe it wasn't Jesus he hit her with (ah yeah, chicka bow, sup girl) Anyhoo, He signed the note “From your Valentine”. Although, I'm not sure who taught her to read so fast, as she didn't even know what words are supposed to look like. Maybe someone read it to her, I don't know. Anyway, the Pope found out about the note and was all like “yeah, that's tight. I like the sound of that. We could sell stuff and have balloons”. So he met with the emperor Claudius, who was a complete asshole. (he didn't want lower class soldiers to get married, because he thought it would make them homesick) They decided to keep the cards and the love notes and the fortified wine and rare meat, and get rid of the whippings and dog murder and public intercourse. So, here we are today. Valentine's Day! – A soulless, corporate, money-making cash-grab between Christmas and Easter.
The morals of this story are: 

A. Romans are Dicks 

B. It's okay to be alone, especially when the alternative is being with a jerk 

C. Throwing a big, lawless redneck festival may slightly reduce military rapeyness and uninvited homosexuality (but don't quote me on that)

and 

D. If you're blind, and every optometrist tells you there's nothing they can do, consider seducing an imprisoned priest on death row... If you're over 18, obviously.

Thank you!! 

Goodnight  Remember, if you see an otter walking around outside, don't try to pet it. 

Even if it has a sweater on.

Love, Skip

xoxoxo