A Men's guide to Dating and Relationships with Women

A Men's guide to Dating and Relationships with Women

by Skip Pulley

Part 1

Women don’t know what they want; but they do know what they don’t want – and they know what they need. It sounds too simple to be true, but that is the basis for understanding every single woman you will ever know in your life beginning with your own mother. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no doubt that women are complex. That’s why I am intentionally keeping it simple and down to earth. That’s the first general rule on this topic, “keep it simple”.

For centuries, men have made the mistake of trying to understand women by judging them based on what our idealistic version of what a human female should be - using ourselves as a prime example of human behavior. Not only is that completely mistaken it may also be detrimental to male interpersonal development. You only get one life. If you form any type of concrete opinion at an early age about how a woman should behave, you are unlikely to change that opinion as you get older.

Women outnumber men worldwide. Based on that fact; most men should stand a good chance of finding at least one suitable mate during their life. Unfortunately, almost half of men do not, because they refuse to adapt their adolescent perception of women to the actual reality, which is a pure dualism of mankind. In other words, their being is opposed to their way of being. In other words, women are easy to understand but often difficult to deal with. Men are the opposite, we are difficult to understand but easy to deal with - all the time. We always know what we want but we usually have no idea what we need. There is a reason for that. Simply put, human males are merely the smartest monkey on earth – and ¼ of us are not even that. My friend Angelo Moore once wrote “give a monkey a brain and he will swear he is the center of the universe”. I’ll be dammed if that isn’t exactly what happened. We have to realize that the differences between men and women are not just physical and biological, but also chemical and emotional. Women have instincts and feelings we could never imagine. Even women who have never had children possess nurturing and preservation instincts that we do not. That’s also why since the dawn of time mankind refers to the earth as our Mother; because it is all giving with no expectation of anything in return. It is also why humans personify God as a Man – because after all, as the smartest monkey, men cannot conceive of an all-powerful creator who gives without any thought of taking whatsoever. I’m not naive. I know there are other factors to consider, especially related to human development. Because a man’s sexual organs are on the outside, we are constantly reminded of sex. Although men’s bodies are designed for specific types of physical activity, we are much less adaptive to temperature and environment than women and so forth. Women understand the differences better than we do. Most importantly, they understand how men and women function together in society – because society itself is the great equalizer. What I mean by that is even simpler to understand. Some people live most if not all of their lives without ever being happy; although they have completely convinced themselves that they are. Women are much, much better at this than men. Keep in mind, women know what they need, and they know what they don’t want. That’s a very wide frequency that can make just about any interpersonal relationship work. Men on the other hand have a harder time pretending to be happy because again, we almost never know what we actually need, so we spend most of our lives looking a gift horse in the mouth, eating our cake while having it too and getting the hell out of Dodge.

In some cases it seems not to make a difference, because no matter how much we screw up, there is always going to be a woman out there somewhere who will accept us. This is proof of female complexity and a point of fact to which they do not receive enough credit. Women understand love, commitment and relationships. Men understand food, sex and solitude. No one ever said life was fair. But understanding female behavior is all a matter of understanding wants vs. needs. If you can’t understand it, you had better at least acknowledge it.

Part 2

Women are not genetically predisposed to monogamy. Let me repeat that. Women are not meant by the laws of nature to be monogamous. To understand this you must first realize and accept the simple and undeniable truth that there is no such thing as human nature – only human behavior. Two-thirds of our all the things we do as human beings are reactions to our environment. Only appearance and physical tendencies are hereditary; i.e. I walk, talk and look like my parents, etc. Keep in mind, a human baby is the only mammal that if not picked up and held at the time of birth, will die. That is a reaction to the child’s environment not shared by any other mammal. Another example is that almost 90% of prison inmates were abused as children. We have a continual lifelong reaction (adaptation or not) to our environment. This reaction, combined with a woman’s instinctive chemical or hormonally based understanding of her needs is why women biologically and sometimes unconsciously seek out a new mate when the perception of her current mate is no longer ideal. Let’s simplify it again. During the Stone Age, a woman’s top priority was keeping herself and her children fed, clothed and sheltered. If the man she was with could no longer (or refused to) provide those things, she would instinctively gravitate toward a younger stronger male who could – or was willing to do this. It had nothing to do with feelings or emotion or the fathers biological attachment to the children - it was a purely a reaction to her environment to best suit her needs. The burden then fell on the original male to go out and get more food and make more adequate shelter in order to keep the women and children with him. By bringing a woman food, we as men are demonstrating our ability to remain useful. It’s just that simple. That is also why to this day we take women out to dinner on a first date. We are demonstrating the very same principal on an unconscious level; that we are able to provide for them if necessary.

Keep in mind, self-consciousness in society is the equalizer. That’s the main reason many women deny their needs and fight their instincts. Some women have never in their life had an orgasm. Isn’t that nuts? (No pun intended) I met a woman who had been married 30 years and her husband had never seen her without make-up. Another lady I know was married 40 years and her husband had never seen her naked – and they had 4 children together. I’m not putting her down, 40 years of marriage is unimaginable for me. When I was a teenager, I never even thought I would be alive for 40 years. In his defense, it’s probably for the best that he never got a good look at that naked body. Take it from me, the formerly younger and stronger temporary replacement. I don’t mean to imply that all women are promiscuous or desire multiple partners based solely on their biological instincts, but I do want to illustrate the importance of needs. To be fair, that rationale cuts both ways. Women have learned over the centuries that it’s possible to start a family with what they may think they want while taking their needs for granted. For example, out of the 30 or so SINGLE female friends I have ages 24 to 36, only four do not have children. That is important because if you are a man over the age of 27 and you want to start a family, it will become more and more difficult to find a woman that has not had children. If you think that is a surprising statistic, you probably shouldn’t because it is becoming the norm. Keep in mind, there is also a growing percentage of men who are content to start a new family every few years – all their life. We generally refer to them as “grown boys” rather than men. Sure, I know that sometimes things just don’t work out, but overall there seems to be an underlying expectation of a woman’s needs being met, regardless of circumstances. The irony is; I like the ones with children so much better. They seem to have a sense of sacrifice and humility that the other girls lack. It could be that I am more attracted to the idea of just having a family than I am to actually starting one from scratch. I do want a wife and children of my own someday - but the clock is ticking. At the same time I am reluctant to get into a situation that can be completely destroyed by doing something dumb. Let’s be honest, men do dumb things all the time - for no reason. Families take years to build but only moments to wreck. But I guess that’s all part of the dynamic. Families are - and should be the biggest reason not to do something really dumb. But even with that, sometimes things just don’t work out. Again, the general rule is “keep it simple”. If it’s really over, the question is, did she give up on you, or did you give up on yourself? (If you actually ever have to give up on her, it’s because she is completely bananas and your mom was right about her and you are better off.)

Part 3

Women are vindictive. There are feelings that they will never ever let go of under any circumstance. Women are also typically more critical than men – at least heterosexual men - and they also tend to be more sensitive than men. None of these character traits mesh very well. But again, these are part of the contrasts and contradictions that make women so complex. Once again we need to refer to the general rule of keeping it simple. Here are a few guidelines:

1. Don’t Argue. It’s pointless. There is nothing that you stand to gain that would offset what you could potentially lose. You can debate, if it’s healthy and on topic but make sure she understands that you are stating your opinion – not an absolute fact.
2. Don’t ask her if something is wrong unless you are prepared to listen to the entire answer. It may be valid. It may be important, but it’s usually a nonsensical rambling complaint about something you know nothing about. No matter what her response is, my best and only advice is to say two words, “I understand”. If you are really feeling your minerals that day, wait until she’s finished and ask the follow up question “Can I get you anything?”
3. At the end of the day, no matter what kind of day you’ve had, ask her “How was your day?” Even if you know that all she did was watch television and talk on the phone. At this point, she just needs to talk. You don’t even really have to listen, especially if you offer to get her something. But don’t offer unless you are willing do actually do it.
4. No matter how much a woman loves you, there are things that she will never tell you. It’s a fact. Don’t take it personally. They are usually the things you don’t want to know. It has nothing to do with being comfortable. Women know that there are things only other women can understand. If it involves you in any way, she will eventually tell you about it.
5. Personality Reflection and Admirable Self-Denial are your most powerful assets. If you need to be honest, ask her first; “Can I be honest?” Preface your statements with “I love you” (unless you don’t) but never ever, EVER say “I really like you” unless you are on a first date - because she is not going to listen to what comes next, no matter what it is. Especially if it’s followed by the word “But”.

No one can re-discover the wheel when it comes to women. All you can do is use your common sense and try to face reality as often as possible. If you are a total bum or a weirdo and you have a smart, attractive woman, you’re not a player – she’s just into bums and weirdos (you know who you are). If she is way hotter than you – that’s good. You want that. She should be the pretty one in the relationship. Again, humans set themselves apart from other animals (animal males are almost always more attractive; look at a lion, or a peacock) If she’s insecure about something, it’s up to you to provide the security. Answer questions with questions whenever possible, such as “I’m not sure, what do you want for dinner tonight.” If you know you’re right about something but she’s really getting on your nerves about it - let it slide. If you can’t say something positive in a conversation, just ask simple questions. Always keep it simple. It’s about wants, needs, and biological differences. If she’s just plain nuts, let her go. And most importantly, if she doesn’t love you – and she doesn’t need you, no amount of money will keep her. Women are unique in this way. At this point, you may be asking “Why do you think you know so much about women?” That is also simple. Almost all of my friends are women. Most of them have a very high opinion of me. It’s not just because I tell them what they want to hear, it’s because I understand them. And now, so do you.